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OnlyFans are no match for the Dark Side of the force

Discussion in 'Articles' started by ImN0tEvenG00d, Feb 23, 2022.

  1. ImN0tEvenG00d

    ImN0tEvenG00d New Member

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    Hi friends…Goody here popping his write-up cherry for 239 as The Dark Side beat the living shit out of OnlyFans.
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    Dark Side Lineup:
    Jon-Dutch-Good-Dualism-Cougs-Superstar
    No need for what they look like cause we are all ugly as fuck.

    Now we all know the lineup for OnlyFans, it’s 5 robins and no Batman which is depressing cause how can you have robin without Batman? Was there a problem during the draft? Was 12sLord Shitter Gala expected to be the Batman? Was Young “Wait til Johnny Kling scores goals” Kelch supposed to take on that responsibility? Well, we had a pretty easy plan for this series.
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    upload_2022-2-23_12-10-3.jpg

    MartyMcThumb was apparently supposed to have surgery sometime this month but what can we expect from Canadian healthcare amirite. Clearly his thumb is not a high priority surgery or else it would have happened already….that’s saying even IF it actually is hurt. Listen, all I know is if I was drafted to Ducky’s team, my thumb would hurt too, and I probably would have gotten surgery by now, and I probably would have had some sort of complication to be out for more than 1-2 weeks. But that’s neither here nor there. The admins let Marty and his hurt wittle itty bitty thumb play in a controversial last week of February series when he was supposed to be out at least a week this month…but who cares right?
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    ThumbsLord’s thumb before getting traded to Dom, and after getting traded to Dom. HES CURED!!

    BTW @239Admins: next season I’m gonna probably be out 1-5 weeks for surgery to heal my feelings. Like I don’t know the exact dates yet because I haven’t been drafted to a team yet but once that happens I’ll let you guys know. Like if I get drafted to a bad team I’ll definitely be out for 5+ weeks cause they’ll be complications. And I’ll definitely go into chat as soon as I get drafted to shit talk my captain. But if I get drafted to a good team I’ll make sure my American healthcare speeds up the surgery process so I get it done before the season starts. Thanks in advanced
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    Now back to the series. Disclaimer: We did not sweep OnlyFans….
    “YoU oNlY dO a WrItE uP iF yOu SwEeP” haters gonna hate.
    Number Juan-I literally don’t care. Write ups should be done every single series regardless of sweeps.
    *cough Dr Evils voice* number two- you all can suck my whole asshole cause it’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to
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    “Suck my whole asshole” - Dustin Poirier -Michael Scott - Goody

    Game 1

    Dutch kicks off the scoring in the first period from a nice assist from Jon in the slot. BSlide..I mean BCripps just forgot that he has to hold short side on this one. Pretty terrible goaltending if you ask me, but if you didn’t ask me, it’s pretty terrible goaltending.
    Now this entire series was Dark Side trapping and trying to let OnlyForce.. I mean OnlyFans enter the zone with the elite talents of Gala, Thumbslut, and Kelch. Truth be told, it was more of us not moving and watching these guys struggle HARD. They struggled so hard that they couldn’t wait to get the puck off their sticks. Dom and Renfri had to make something happen out of nothing… but nothing happened.
    Third period comes as we still see the score 1-0. But you can’t keep me off the score sheet. Here we are on a 2 on 1 because Dom couldn’t stop trying to help his helpless offense and got caught deep. Jon makes a beautiful early pass to Me and instead of slapping it home, I take a backhand from the slot and Absolutely SNIPE Bcripps. Like the guy has no idea how to goalie and just got obliterated from a backhand. Feels bad man.
    Very late in the third the OnlyWah’s get a goal to get this game within 1 but in the end it wasn’t even a challenge

    2-1 Dark side

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    Superstar incredibly bored because OnlySucks couldn’t get through our blue line

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    BChristImBad on HowToGoalie, Him all series

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    MartyMcBaby and all his fingers

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    Gala and Kelch doing god knows what at the Blue line.
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    Jon showing us what he learned in the academy
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    Cougs and Dualism trying to make defense harder because it was so easy

    Game 2

    Since our strategy worked to perfection, we figured why change anything?

    We could tell the frustration was building from OnlyChoke so on cue, the Dark Side found themselves on a Powerplay just 39 seconds into the game. No it wasn’t gala, but I’m gonna say it was gala.
    So naturally, when teams gift you a free man up, you take advantage. Dutch and Jon make some beautiful passes and find me cutting back door for an easy tap in. BEveryDayImSliding was somewhere by the half boards cause clearly he had no idea that he was supposed to stay in his crease for this game.
    Dark side up 1-0.
    It didn’t take long for The Dark Side to net another goal in the first off of a tic tac toe play from Good to Dutch to Jon. Jon found himself absolutely torching Dom to tap in probably one of his easier goals of the season since BNoSave was nowhere to be found AGAIN. 2-0 Dark Side.
    A bunch of nothing happened since OnlyAss couldn’t get over our blue line until finally one of 800 force attempts of the series goes through and MartyMcMyThumbHurtsAndImUpset scored. We felt bad for them at this point so superstar decided to slide out of the way.
    My DMs right after the goal from Superstar:“sorry dude my bad. I felt really bad that these guys can’t even play hockey, nor score a legit goal so I’ll give them one. My TV isn’t really on anyway so just let me know if I’m needed.”
    2-1 Dark side
    The third period was pretty boring. Kelch, Thumbsy and Garbage can couldn’t carry the puck in to save their life so it was a pretty easy clamp for the series win.

    Dark side win 2-1. Dark side complete series win

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    Renfri all series watching her Robins not being able to carry the puck over the Blueline/setup any good scoring chances/setup anything valuable/setup/set/up/ terrible.
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    BCrippled after not being able to remotely save a shot attempt and looking like a waiver goalie
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    Dom realizing his Robins are literal pieces of shit on the ice
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    Me laughing at how easy of a series this actually was

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    Dualism to Gala clamping him all series long.

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    Cougs using a Sniper build the entire series and still being Elite.

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    Dutch clamping the middle of the ice. Showing why he should always be the highest paid player in 239. Always. Please. Don’t ever let him go under 50. He’s the best. Do it captains of the future. It’s worth it.

    Game 3
    So normally idc what happens in a loss but it’s worth mentioning this one because it’s scouting report on How to stop OnlyForce for the rest of the teams.

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    Me being a helpful guy for 239

    This game was back and forth to start the game by both teams trading goals until we hit 2-2. I will eventually break the tie as I Net my 3rd goal of the game to complete my Hat trick.
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    everyone can hear me saying this right meow.

    Now here’s where the scouting report comes in. OnlyFairy’s literally only force cross crease goals. That’s their entire offense. There’s no tricks, there’s no special plays. It’s get the puck to the corner and just hardcore force the cross crease. So all series was a clusterfuck in front of the net so just stop the force. At one point we had all 5 of my players sitting in the slot and they STILL forced it. As long as you cover the slot and stay in position, they can’t score.
    But with that being said, EA is gonna EA and after 1027392933 force attempts. The OnlyFakes do indeed put 2 through 5 players and win game 3 with 5 seconds on the clock. A huge blow but Christmas came early this year.

    OF 4-3
    Dark Side wins the series 2-1 taking 4 out of 6 points and solidifying their position near the top of the standings.
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    Dom after getting railed all series by Jon and the Dark Side

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    Marty trying to sell his injury to the 239 community.

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    OF reading this write-up. FEEEELS BAD MAN

    Series recap:
    BCripps played like ass
    Dom played like ass
    Gala is always ass
    Marty’s thumb hurts
    Kelch was a ghost
    Renfri was the only solid player on the ice

    Anyway, the chirps are all in good fun. I love everyone and I’m just happy to be here. UNTIL NEXT TIME! Bye friends.

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  2. Dominator Silva

    Dominator Silva Well-Known Member

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  3. Young Kelch

    Young Kelch Well-Known Member Admin

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    Lol great writeup! Idgaf if it was vs me, this is more of the content we need
     
    ImN0tEvenG00d likes this.
  4. Yambag021

    Yambag021 Well-Known Member King of Media Admin

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    this writeup confirms @ImN0tEvenG00d as captain next season. moar of these, please and thank you.
     
    ImN0tEvenG00d likes this.
  5. Marty mcfly1919

    Marty mcfly1919 Active Member Captain

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  6. COUG4R HUNTER

    COUG4R HUNTER New Member

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    the thumb hurts so bad a can of soup can not be opened but not enough to play xbox hockey 6 games a week baby!!!
     
    ImN0tEvenG00d likes this.
  7. ImN0tEvenG00d

    ImN0tEvenG00d New Member

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    Can you feel it now Mr. Krabs?
     

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